he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
