WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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