3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
