I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
