My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Don't tell me you're on acid again
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
