WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
