If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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