We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
