So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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