I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
