My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
