My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
