I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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