I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
