Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
