I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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