Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
