I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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