How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have already put on my inside pants.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
