bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
