she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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