why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
