put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
