just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Mom said you looked used
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
