sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
