I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
