I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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