Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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