sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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