I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
