i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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