Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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