Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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