so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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