awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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