I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
