There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
