I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
