Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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