i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
