Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
