she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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