No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
