i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
