And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
