I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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