You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
