Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
