so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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