I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?