How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
