onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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