I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
