trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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