Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
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Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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