dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
