one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
my liver is dry heaving
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
