She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
