I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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