Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
