I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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